So it's exam week for my firstborn and yet again, I am doubting myself as a mom. You see, I've always had good study habits ever since I could remember, I've always brought home good grades, so I get really puzzled when my 5 year old struggles with school -- well, not actually school as a whole, just 1 subject, READING. We were reviewing the whole of the weekend and sometimes, out of frustration and desperation, I find myself being the worst version of me, I make my daughter cry. I wanted to cry with her, but I chose to just step back and have someone else review her first.
This feeling of self doubt and frustration is a cycle which happens every exam time and I am now making a conscious effort to be better. I have come to accept that my child is different from who I was when I was young, therefore, I will be more patient, no more threats that this or that will happen if she doesn't do well in school (yes, I am guilty of that), instead, when frustration is near, I will think of the multitude of things my daughter is good at. She is sweet, kind, very energetic, good in math and Christian Living, she loves singing, she loves coloring rainbows and rainbow colored unicorns, among others, but most importantly, she is a gift, MY gift.
I read mommy blogs often and most of them blog about their children's high grades and extraordinary talent, so here I am blogging about my daughter, yes, her grades may not be as stellar (yet), but she is as wonderful as can be and she's a happy child. And I have high hopes that my and her dad's smart genes will kick-in when she's older. Haha. I guess the world around us has put so much pressure on getting good grades, me included, but now I know better. No more pressure, on me or on my daughter. I will still try my best to push her to do her best, at her own pace, without anger or impatience, but only with so much love and pride.
My child is great, good grades or not, she is kind and a beautiful little person and my dream as a mom is for her to grow up to have a good heart and be smart enough to know right from wrong, to know that learning is constant and that possibilities are endless if your heart is in it and you have hope and faith.
To my Zia, please forgive mommy for being hard on you, I promise I will be better. Thank you for teaching me how to be a mom and please know that in times that I lose my patience, I will always love you, in times that we are goofing around and just having fun, I will always love you.
To other moms just like me who doubt themselves from time to time, it will be fine, our kids are amazing and very forgiving. Say 'sorry', but say 'I love you' more often.